If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Paul, Galatians 1:10

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Part of the verse Mark 12;31. Both NIV

These verses seem to make a strange pair. Can a person love someone else as much as themselves, but not feel compelled to please them? It can be difficult to love people who disapprove of us, judge us, or don’t love us back. But if we can love someone who is unlovely or unloving, we participate in a mystery with Christ who loves without love being returned. He loved so deeply he took on the sins of us all, to invite a relationship between God and human that would not have happened otherwise.

Jesus was the Son of God so he apparently could tolerate being despised and rejected by men, but how do we mortals handle rejection? We can do this by getting our need for approval from others out of the way. When we are young, we become civilized by learning from others what is the approved behavior. As we grow emotionally, and have permission to think for ourselves,we do not automatically defer to others to tell us what is correct. Freedom of thought begins with the magical question, “why?”. If we are lucky, we are allowed to ask this question, as it teaches us to reflect.

And if we learn to reflect, along our path of growth we learn that people are not always correct in their assessments. They are not objective. The approved behavior may merely be convenient for them, or decreases their sense of guilt or anxiety. What if what they want is at odds with our spiritual life? What if they are disappointed and love us a little, or a lot less? How can we tell if we are giving others a place God should occupy? We know there is a problem if we are crushed by the disapproval of others, rather than merely disappointed.

I have noticed that we all want to be liked, and we all in our natural, un-defensive state, we value others and seek a positive response from them. If we don’t there is something deeply damaged in us, to the point we have dehumanized ourselves and others. I think that has something to do with the fact that we are all made in the image of God, and at some level we recognize it in others. You can see this when you begin to talk and behave differently when someone comes into the room. Whether it is a friend or a stranger, a certain amount of energy is expended, even just becoming aware of a presence.

Some people expect a lot more than that. Some only feel loved or valued if others agree with them. Since spiritual and psychological identical twins don’t exist, those who need exact mirroring are eventually disappointed. It is only a matter of time, and those who need total agreement will be disappointed and leave so faking agreement only delays the inevitable. The need for mirroring when we are adults is a wound, and it doesn’t heal the wound to trying to copy the wounded person.

Maybe we are one of these wounded, and only feel temporarily loved when someone totally “gets” us, which means understands and often means agrees with us. Not only do we often let other play God by judging us, we may demand they play God by understanding us completely. (Note: Marital advice–don’t look for complete understanding in a marriage. This expectation is too much for a marriage to bear. Marriage is a mystery that unfolds over many years.) This is God’s job, to completely “get” us.

One of God’s great love notes to us in Psalm 139 says that even before a thought is in our head God knows it. God know why we had it, and how many times were had it before. God understands us way better than we understand ourselves.

The most amazing thing we can do is to love when we haven’t been loved, or are not loved. This is Divine. To love but also be true to our spiritual journey when it disappoints others also takes us to a deep and honest place where we can grow in amazing ways. And finally, when we long for something from another person, is that something that can really only be supplied by God? Check with God and see.